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Monday, January 5th, 2004
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7:42 pm - --just another day--
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Today has been such a long day. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night.... I had to go in to work early. I waited for 3 hours at the college to get paid and buy books. I just want to scream. It is my Birthday. I am not supposed to be stressed out on my Birthday. Everything is supposed to be nice and peaceful for me. As if. It is just another day.
Yesterday was nice. Thia took me to dinner and we saw Mona Lisa Smile. It was pretty good. Bryan, Trevor, and Daniel came over last night and smoked a birthday blunt with me. Good times. LoL.
My mind.... it is in total chaos right now. I am on the verge of making a very BIG decision and I don't know what to do. Everything seems so complicated, although I know it doesn't have to be. If I would do the right thing instead of listening to my heart then everything would probably be ok. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. My heart is too conflicted. And broken. I am going to go now. I don't want to be emotional right now. =(
current mood:  aggravated
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004
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10:00 pm - --damn right, it's better than yours!--
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It is the littlest things in life that make me smile. I FINALLY found the bed that I have been wanting. My mom is paying for half of it. I'm excited. We had to order it, so it may be a few weeks before I get it, anyhow I am fucking giddy!!! I swear, when it comes to things like that, I am such a child. It is o.k. though, I haven't lost my spirit.
Moving on.... I jogged about 2 miles tonite....... other than my boobs being sore, I feel really good about myself. I am going to try to jog 2 miles at least once a day, and if I am feeling extra frisky... maybe twice a day. I decided to say fuck the South Beach Diet thing. Last time I went on a low carb diet I got pretty weak. I don't want to lose weight anyhow, just tone up. So I figure if I just exercise and eat right I will be fine.
Until now, today was a pretty shitty day. Thank God it is almost over. I am about to wrap things up here and head home for a shower and a nice night of rest.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring sunnier skies for me... God knows they would be much appreciated. Well.. I guess I shall be going for now. Until next time.........
current mood:  giddy
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| Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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11:11 pm - {the more I come to understand}
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The countdown is on........... 4 more days till the big 19! 19... what a pointless age. Why can't I just skip a few years and be 21 already? I already feel way beyond my age. Sometimes I think I grew up too fast. Or maybe these past few months just forced me to grow up really fast. Either way, I suppose it was for the better.
I'm exhausted. Works drains me. I'm ready to curl up in my bed and sleep the night through. For now, I am here at my mom's doing my laundry and watching my Noles get pounded by the fucking Hurricanes =(
I can't believe it is 2004 already. Last year went by entirely too fast. Sometimes that's a good thing. I hope 2004 brings everyone peace and happiness. I know most of us could use some of both {or at least I know I could}
I had a lot to say.... however, I am really, really, really, tired. So I shall end here... maybe I will update more tomorrow. Until then.................
current mood:  drained
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| Monday, December 29th, 2003
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4:26 pm - {take notice of what's in front of you}
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I'm a fool.... I'm a damn fool.
I am so confused right now. I wish I had a simple life, I wish everything didn't always have to be so complicated. I wish I didn't feel so alone. I am tired of this empty feeling in my heart. I love Matt, more than life, more than anything, but I NEED someone that can be there for me. I need attention, love, and support. I need someone to hold me and listen to me. How is Matt going to be all I need if he is always going to be locked up? I now realize that I DO deserve more than that. For a while I thought I could do all this. I thought I could be the girl that sticks beside her man through anything, but if he can't change why should I waste my time. I see everything I COULD have and then I see WHAT I have... and sometimes I just don't understand myself. The only thing I think that really holds me back from moving on is that I am scared if I leave him, I will never love anyone again. Or maybe I am scared no one will ever love me again. I just got used to always having him around. When we are together, there is no greater feeling. But I can't do this for forever. I know what I need to do. I just wish I had someone there to help me get through it.
Moving on............. I turn 19 in a week from today. Woo Hoo. I wanted to get some friends together on SUnday and go have dinner or something. Now I just don't know. I don't even know what I am going to do for New Year's yet. I thought I did. But I guess I don't really..... I think in a little while I am going to take myself shopping and buy ME something for MY birthday. I love me. At least someone does.
I guess I am going to leave here, go tan, get a shower, and take myself shopping. Maybe I will take a few bars tonite and pass out. I don't feel like being alone.
current mood:  discontent
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| Friday, December 19th, 2003
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9:54 am - .............
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This will be quick......... I am getting ready for work.
Finished up the semester on Tuesday when I took my Government final. Err... don't exactly know how I did there.
Andy found another kitty for us, it is so adorable. We named him Damien. Chloe and im love each other.
I hung out with Chris and Lee the other nite. Lee let me drive his Lincoln LS sittin on 20's. Talk about some pimp shit. And he has an AR 15 that I got to hold. He took a picture of me holding it. I felt like Al Pacino in Scarface. For real.
I am working everyday this week. Yuck. I will probably hit 50 hours. I'm so burnt out.
Christmas is in 6 days. I haven't even finished shopping yet. I don't have the energy to. =( This weekend should be fun though. I'm just gonna say fuck it all and have some fun.
All of my friends that went away for college are arriving in town. It is nice to see them all. It is weird to see how everyone is changing. I know I sure have. For the better though.
Hopefully Jason will be here in a few weeks. I am looking forward to that. I miss him a lot.
Matt goes back to court January 13. He is looking at about a year and a half in prison =( I don't wanna talk about it though. Sensitive subject.
Shit I am late for work. I will update more later.
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| Sunday, November 16th, 2003
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9:22 am - Life is better =)
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Well....... since I last updated, Taylor and I moved in together. We got a really cute place in Lynn Haven and we have been having a lot of fun ever since. Andy bought her a little kitten yesterday, she is so cute! She named it Chloe. =) awww she's precious. I'm glad Taylor moved in with me. I missed her a lot and it is nice having her around. She knows how to cheer me up when I am sad. I love her to death. Our place is really cute. The living room is all Marilyn. I have a really hot poster of Briana Banks and Jenna Jameson hanging above my bed. We got cable a few days ago, but as of right now we only have a 13 inch t.v. It's funny. We pretty much just chill over there every night, usually Andy and his friends come over. They are cool to hang out with. We FINALLY went to the strip club last weekend. Taylor and I got a private dance from this bad bitch named Sadie. Man... she was bad. She was this tiny little blonde. She had a really nice tan. Damn. We can't stop talking about her. Well I just wanted to update really fast.
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| Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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7:38 am - As if life doesn't suck enough
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Well..... just to update really really fast. I'm at school right now so this will be short. Left my house last nite. My mom pissed me off. She said all sorts of mean things about me. Pretty much broke my heart. I'm at Matt's again. DOn't really wanna be there, but I guess right now I don't have many options. I am supposed to get a place, but in my current condition I don't think I want to live alone. I'm already so alone I feel like dying. Seriously, yesterday all I could think about is killing myself. Things might be easier for everyone that way. I hate this. I hate life. I hate me. I just want to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep.... forever.
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| Sunday, August 10th, 2003
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7:42 pm - (Remember Me)
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It's about damn time for me to update, huh? Well it has been a crazy summer. I moved in over at Matt's. He has been locked up since June 11, but if everything goes right he should be getting out Wednesday. I love him to death. He is my heart and soul! FOR REAL! =) He wants to get married, which I am down with, but I want to wait a year or two. He is the one! I am sure of it. We sure have been through a lot of shit together, but I believe it is only making our love stronger. He got this tattoo on his bicep that says Rebecca and Matt... it is so pretty. I think it is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done in my honor =) I got transfered to the Heatwave across from LaVela because they needed a good salesperson for Purple Haze..... so I work every day except for Tuesday's, which I get off to go see Matt. I don't do much except for work and occasionally spend time with my girl Thia. I have been a good girl all summer. I am so proud of me. I gave up drugs (not that I did them much anyway) after Graduation... I don't even drink anymore. I just go to work, sleep, and pray for the day that my baby gets to come home to me. School starts soon. I have a lot of prepping to do... I put it off all summer. So this week I have to bust my ass to get everything in line that way I can register on the 18th. It's all good though. I am ready to go back to school. That sounds so nerdy, but I guess I am a nerd. lol. It's cool though. I feel better than I ever have and I am just ready to get my life started. I guess I have grown up A LOT this summer. I have learned a lot about life and love and even though I have lost a few friends and put my family through hell I think I have come out on top. They say "the good guy always wins".... I believe it. I think I have won this time. I no longer allow other people to influence my decisions in life and I have removed the people from my life that brought me down in the past. I realized that they were only using me to benefit themselves. It just took me a long time to figure that one out. So now I am going to focus all of my energy on school, Matt, and work and just enjoy life. Until next time.... later Y'all!
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| Friday, June 13th, 2003
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2:46 pm - {like children often do}
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JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!! When will people learn to take responsibility for their own actions! It is useless to try to place the blame on someone else when you have dug your own god damn hole. Especially when you are pointing your fucking finger at the wrong person. WAKE THE FUCK UP... scratch that.... GROW THE FUCK UP. You are an adult now.. or has that not sunk into your dense head yet? Take a look around and realize that you are destroying everything that is good because you choose to be stubborn. You got here all by yourself, I didn't help you, and you can't blame the others either. You are of sound mind and body and you knew what you were doing. You make your own decisions. And you made your own grave. So where you go from here is totally up to you. I'm tired of trying....... You make it impossible for ANYONE to love you. Try taking responsibility for your actions and let go of some of your insecurities. Or in the end you will be all alone.
SORRY guys.......... I am pissed. I had to vent. A bunch of shit just went down and I felt the need to express myself on here. LOL. Thanks for listening. I LOVE MATT!!!!!!!
current mood:  bitchy
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| Monday, June 9th, 2003
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10:56 am - {I'm a freak to the core}
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YES I KNOW.... it has been a long ass time since I have updated, so.... I'll briefly tell what has been up. I moved out of my house and I'm living at Jenn's. I'm actually at my house rite now because I was supposed to go to MEPS today for my physical and all and my mom was gonna take me but my dumb ass recruiter hasn't gotten my ASVAB scores yet so we are having some problems. Umm, me and Matt are official now. We have been for a few weeks now. I spend most of my time with him. I got a job at Purple Haze on the beach. It fucking rocks. It's easy. And the people couldn't be any cooler. So yeah. Well I don't have much to say... I just wanted to update...........
current mood:  sleepy
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| Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
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8:57 pm - { don't say good-bye... just say good-nite}
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We've waited our entire lives for this day
This moment
The moment where we cross over from being children to being adults
The moment where we say good-bye to high and hello to the real world
The moment where we realize that this is it
We are no longer kids
It's time to wake up because the future is upon us
This moment will be forever branded on our minds and in our hearts
But we must move on
We can not dwell on the past so we have to welcome the future with open arms
It is time to make the most of this moment
It is time to stand tall and proud
It is time to put past grudges behind us
It is time to grow up
It is time to hold our heads high as we walk across the stage and into the next phase in our lives
We have earned this moment
It's our time to shine
* Class of 2003*
current mood:  nostalgic
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| Monday, May 12th, 2003
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4:30 pm - *BOM*
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Well Well Well...
This weekend was fucked up. I don't wanna get into it... but.. it was fucked up. I did get pretty drunk on Saturday nite, which I hadn't done in forever, so that was ummm different. And of course there was drama, but that is beginning to become normal with the people I know. I am so sick of everyone fighting and Saturday nite I had done had enough and I said fuck it. I just wanted to go into chill mode and enjoy my buzz. No such fucking luck. Oh well. This weekend.. PARTY UP!!
Moving on....
I did something last nite that made me feel pretty good. I had a wonderful visit with someone.... errrr... I've fallen and I can't stop myself. I have tried to stop myself and everyone has tried to stop me but I guess there is no hope. I am stubborn as fuck. But last nite, everything was so rite... and normally I would be scared that things went so well with this person, but this time I believed everything he said. Am I being naive? God I hope not. Everything he told me sounded so perfect and so right. I want it all to be true. I will be so happy. I think we can make it happen... I really do. GOD... I feel myself freaking out inside. I want this to work. So bad. So fucking bad. I am too deep now to just walk away from all this... and I wanna be there to help this person through all of the hard roads ahead because I know he needs me. And I need him. I don't like to say that "I need someone"... I don't like being dependent on ANYONE, but I feel like he is a part of me and I don't wanna lose that. I am scared though... so utterly scared. I get knots in my stomach when I think about him... yet I can't get his smile out of my mind. I'm smitten... or something like it. And I hate it. I swore I would never fall again... No it is not love. Not yet at least. There is something there. I feel it in my soul. I think I am finally ready to open up my heart to someone again, I just hope this is the right person. I just pray to God that I am not making all the wrong decisions here because I can't stomach another heartache. My life has been nothing but heartache and I think I deserve more than that. I will try to remain optimistic because that is who I am... so, for now I am out.
current mood: contemplative
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| Saturday, May 10th, 2003
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3:52 pm - {No letting go, no holding back}
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This song brings back memories from Grad Nite... when we were soaking wet and Jenn and I were dancing around singing it and Carlos was making fun of us! hehe... good times...
So last nite we ended up ditching Candice and Christie and hanging out with Mutter and Zak, and Kelly and Dustin instead. We all went and ate at Applebee's and just socialized and reminisced. It was fun. I dunno why but it seems like when that whole little group gets together we can just talk and still have the BEST time. Well my mom has been gay since the whole pot thing so I had to be home early.... well Vinny called and begged me to come over but I was really scared to... so I didn't go. And he told me him and Valerie broke up (another reason I wasn't sure about going).. but I promised him I would come over tonite... Charmer called also. He wants me and Jenn to come to their party tonite.. which we probably should go because we always promise them that we will hang out with them and we always end up ditching them. So I guess I have two parties to hit up tonite.. I'm a little excited. Well I guess I am out for now. Love Y'all!
current mood:  accomplished
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| Friday, May 9th, 2003
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5:05 pm - in the words of Zak... TRAD (yep that's me!)
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Well I thought Danny and Wes hated me.... until about 30 minutes ago =) I got to talk to both of them. It was nice to hear their voices. I miss them soooo much!! They said they miss me too and they promised they would come out to the condo next Friday after graduation *woo hoo* I can't wait....... only 3 and a half more days of Mosley fucking high school. That really rocks =) I can't wait till Friday morning, we have Senior Breakfast at Golden Corral.. hehe. Ima tear that bitch up! ON THE REAL!!!!!!!! Their breakfast is the shit! But yeah........ ummm. Tonite Me, Jenn, Kells, Candice, Christie, and I guess Dustin are all supposed to go eat dinner at Roadhouse together. That should be fun. I was invited to a party at Vinny's... but I don't know if I should go. He asked me today if I was still coming and I lied when I said yes.. the truth is, I WANT to.. but I am afraid to. I don't know why. He said Valerie won't be there, but how can I know for sure until I get there? I just don't like being in the same room as her. It is so awkward because she knows I want her boy. So I guess I'm not gonna go. Grrrr I REALLY want to. Decisions Decisions...........
current mood:  happy
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5:05 pm
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Well I thought Danny and Wes hated me.... until about 30 minutes ago =) I got to talk to both of them. It was nice to hear their voices. I miss them soooo much!! They said they miss me too and they promised they would come out to the condo next Friday after graduation *woo hoo* I can't wait....... only 3 and a half more days of Mosley fucking high school. That really rocks =) I can't wait till Friday morning, we have Senior Breakfast at Golden Corral.. hehe. Ima tear that bitch up! ON THE REAL!!!!!!!! Their breakfast is the shit! But yeah........ ummm. Tonite Me, Jenn, Kells, Candice, Christie, and I guess Dustin are all supposed to go eat dinner at Roadhouse together. That should be fun. I was invited to a party at Vinny's... but I don't know if I should go. He asked me today if I was still coming and I lied when I said yes.. the truth is, I WANT to.. but I am afraid to. I don't know why. He said Valerie won't be there, but how can I know for sure until I get there? I just don't like being in the same room as her. It is so awkward because she knows I want her boy. So I guess I'm not gonna go. Grrrr I REALLY want to. Decisions Decisions...........
current mood: happy
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| Thursday, May 8th, 2003
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8:45 pm - ( a HUGE sigh of relief)
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Well I have a lot to say but since I am on my mom's laptop I will make it brief (my computer is all fucked up).... Senior Rec. was last nite... it was long and boring until intermission when we switched our seats around and I was sitting by Lisa and all them.... we started to get loud and rowdy!! lol... we had fun tho... considering we were at Senior Rec. and all. But yeah.. we had a lot of fun at Subway too... I think we scared the lady because she told us to be safe and drive careful. She probably knew Lars was high. And she kinda caught mine and Lisa's conversation about 8 inches. lol. Oh well. I guess I will finish updating tomorrow in class where I can write about everything that happened today... I don't trust this computer... ok well I am out
current mood:  relieved
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
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5:13 pm - Grrrrrrrr!!!!!
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Ok Now I'm pissed.... I tried to post pics of Gia ( the real one) for Tater and live journal is being a flaming asshole! SO FUCK YOU LIVE JOURNAL!!!!!!!!!!
current mood: enraged
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4:51 pm - hehe
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- Sorry... ya gotta love Jenna (or at least I do) -
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4:20 pm - {Darlin' you're still divine}
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Well these past few days (since Wednesday) I have been totally wigging out. I am so worried. I don't feel like getting into it but I fear someone I care about my have gotten himself into some really inescapable trouble. =(
12 more days until Graduation! Woo Hoo!!!! Who is excited? Oh yes I am. I am scared at the same time. I am scared that I will not have enough time to correct all the mistakes I have made along the way. I am scared that I will not get to spend time with the people I want to before I leave. I am scared that when I am gone no one will remember me. I am so scared. I know what I am doing is for the best. But I am not ready to leave all this behind. I just want to be a little kid again. I want to be innocent... I don't want all the responsibilty of being an adult. It was so much easier then. No worries, no cares. Just fun and games. I know I can't live in the past, but it is so much easier then waking up and realizing that everything is about to change. This year has been so hard. I lost one of the best friends I have ever had. I regret everything that went wrong for us because this person means to world to me. I miss all of the memories we made together and I pray to God that before I leave we will have the chance to spend some time together. It would be nice for things to go back to the way they used to be, but I know that is impossible. I just want to make sure I don't leave here with any grudges. Me and Christie have patched things up. We are talking again... Meredith even talked to me on Friday. So that whole little group doesn't hate me and Jenn anymore. Well except for Anna... but she is a bitch anyway. So I could give a fuck less about her. But anyways... I am hoping for a really good summer, full of friends, partying, and just plain out fun. I am gonna make the most of my time here because when I leave for Texas it is gonna be no fun for like 8 weeks... =( But it's all good. It will be worth it in the end. I just gotta keep telling myself that. Mary and Janis are graduating early and they wanna come live me wherever I get stationed. Me and Jenn are hoping we will get stationed close to each other in these conjoining bases in NC. That would be tight as hell. I'll invite all my friends to come party up there with us!! GOD I LOVE YOU GUYS. I get so worried that I am gonna lose contact with the people that mean the most to me that I cry myself to sleep. It really hit me on Friday when me and Kells were reading what we had written to each our yearbooks. We bawled. I wanted to just sit there and cry with her all day. I miss Kells a lot. We promised each other we would spend a lot of time together over the summer and I am gonna make sure we hold each other to that promise.I wanna spend a lot of time with Taylor too. We have a lot of time to make up for. Maybe we will hit up the strip clubs and see the drag show like we always promised each other we would do! I want another tattoo before I leave... so all my friends gotta come see that! I'm trying not to get emotional because I have cried so much this weekend... so before I say anything else I am gonna get going..... I am gonna post some pics tho........ I LOVE YOU ALL!
current mood: contemplative
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| Thursday, May 1st, 2003
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7:31 pm
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Man I am such a freak..... lol
So today I realized something, and it is a little weird. I mean I always knew it, but today it was just like whoa.
I saw one of my friends today and I was like damn you got really hot.
I mean I always thought this friend was hot... but today it just hit me. lol. I am such a weirdo. lol.
Oh yeah... Elaine told me the other day that I looked really hot at prom. lol. I thought it was funny. She said she kept thinking about how hot I looked all nite. I found that amusing.
Well I've done some thinking. I think the whole Air Force thing will be good for me. Panama City is a bad place.... it eats at you and if you aren't careful it will swallow you whole. I don't wanna end up like some of the people I know. I wanna make something of myself and I fear that if I stay here I will end up like them. I want better for myself than that. Plus I will get a chance to see the world. And meet a lot of new people. So I am trying to stay optimistic about the whole thing because in the end I will know that I did the right thing. Even if it seems completely insane rite now. I just have a lot to do before I leave. I have a lot of things to fix. And a short time to do it. I don't wanna leave here with any grudges or any hard feelings. I want things to be rite.... so I will try my damndest to do the rite thing. Well I am outta here for now.
current mood:  mellow
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